The Shocking Secret to Getting Laid

I got this spam email today.

Why don't women want you to watch this video?

Simple...

Because when you use the "mind control" secret...

Who're You Gonna Call?

(I apologize.  "Ghostbusters" are not in my agent partner search tab.)

You know what's frustrating?  People call me at work and I have to give them some other phone number because the person who told them to call me didn't want to answer the question.

One guy railed for about an hour about how his insurance company was giving him the runaround and the answers depended on what time of day he called.  So he called me thinking I could give him a better answer, but I could only give him general answers about his problem since I'm not them.

Only his company could tell him for sure, but they didn't want to tell him.

There's a lot of buck-passing from people who hear one keyword and just go, "Oh.  Yeah.  Call them."

Like ... imagine that you buy a cookie subscription from Cookie Guys.  But Bank People is the company that processes the payment.  With me so far?

So you get a credit card statement and it shows that you were billed twice in one month for your Cookie Guys subscription.  You call up Bank People and say, "Hey, I have this subscription to Cookie Guys and you billed me twice."  And the guy at Bank People says, "Call Cookie Company."

Of course, Cookie Company only bakes cookies.  They have a list of subscribers' orders, but they don't deal with the payment.  They tell you to contact Bank People.  Bank People tells you to contact your credit card.  And so on.  The credit card tells you to call Bank People and finally you just have to dispute the charge because Bank People won't just give up and give you the refund.  They're SURE that they are not the ones responsible.

That's about 50% of my job.

I hate referring people to other agencies, but a lot of the time it's because I really can't help them and my directions say to refer them to someone else.  (I can't update your address.  Literally cannot.  You have to contact someone else for that.  And I'm sorry.)  So I wish other people would do their job properly too and not refer people to me whom I can't help.  It just pisses them off and makes them think they're getting passed around.  No one wants to feel that way.  Ever.

So.  Do your job.  So I can do mine.  *rainbow*

Life is like a box of chocolates.

I enjoy helping people.  It's not a part of a religious belief.  I just think that's what you're supposed to do in a society.  Because a society is about making sure those around you are taken care of.  Otherwise it's just not a society.  It's a cluster of individuals who don't give a shit about each other.  And that's doomed to failure.

Or, look at it this way:

The world is a box of assorted cookies, not a package of uniform, single-serving, individually wrapped snack cakes.


I'm not sure where I'm going with this analogy, but ... probably either the cupboard or the refrigerator.

Let's Talk Obamacare

I've already mentioned that I more or less agree with the sentiment of the Affordable Care Act.  I'm not going to repeat all of that.  Health coverage is a right, and no one should be excluded for any reason, period.

I was listening to some dimwit on the TV machine talk about why Obamacare sux.  I think she was from Georgia.  Maybe on CNN.  (That's usually what we have on at work.)  And her proposed alternative to Obamacare was to increase the number of high risk plans available.

HA.

HAHA.

HA.

Thank you, random person.

It's always hard for me to explain what my book is about.  But here goes:



"It's a sort of sarcastic tale that is part soap opera, part Twilight (excuse me while I stab myself in the eyes) and part Office Space.  Imagine if being a vampire hunter was as dull as working for Initech but with all the constraints of an underfunded government organization, if vampire hunters were sometimes more sinister than the vampires, and if the fairy godmother in Cinderella had been a big, fat liar."



In other news, my temperature is going up.  Did I mention I'm sick?  I like having a job with no sick pay, no vacation days, and where my performance depends on being able to speak on the phone!

This week is shaping up to be ridiculously awful.

Saturday I was supposed to work, but because my schedule shifted from 4-12:30 to 1:30-10, my body was not happy.

Actually, the initial problem was that I was supposed to finish up at 12 instead of 12:30, but the bus couldn't schedule us for a different time.  So while we finished at 12, we still got picked up as if we were working til 12:30, and so I didn't get home til 1:30 in the morning.

Then I had a choice.  I could either get up at 9:00 and head out to driver's ed or I could get up at 10:00 for work.  My body chose to wake up at 8:30, and I realized that the extra hour and a half wouldn't make much of a difference, so I opted to get up.  Instead of going to work, I finished up my driving class and now I have my license.  At least something good came of all of this.

So.

Deep Thoughts #23

Whenever I think of a three-syllable word or phrase I sing it in my head to the tune of the Hot Pockets jingle.

I come from people old people.

My maternal grandmother was born in 1919 and my maternal grandfather was born in 1920.

My paternal grandmother was born in 1916 and my paternal grandfather was born in in 1919.

My parents were roughly 30 when my brother was born and about 32 when I was born.

My maternal grandmother was about 32 when she had my mom and my grandfather was about 31.  My mom is the oldest of two children.

My paternal grandmother was about 35 when she had my dad.  My paternal grandfather was also about 31.  My father is the youngest of three, but his two (much) older brothers were from a previous marriage.

And I have to say, it's kind of weird.  When you have older parents--and I'd say "older" starts at about 30 for my generation--there's such a large life gap there.  You become aware at a very young age of how much older your parents are, and especially when you have classmates in grade school who have moms in their 20s and early 30s.  Or you find out that other people have grandparents the age of your parents.

To make it worse, I feel like I lost out on something.  By the time I was twenty-one I had no grandparents left.  The last one died in 2003 when I was twenty years old.  Before that it was 2000 and then 1987 and 1977.  The men died first (interestingly enough, since they were both younger than their wives).  I never met my father's father.  I have only a few memories of my other grandfather.  I know people my age and older with grandparents still kicking.  Which is easy if you had your kids at 20 and they had their kids at 20.  You could have great-grandparents or even great-great grandparents if you have kids early enough.  Which isn't usually a good idea really--better to have them when you can support them and all that jazz--but definitely possible.

Now that I'm reaching that age that my parents and grandparents were when they had children, I'm becoming more aware of how old my parents seem.  My mom keeps having episodes with her health after spending the latter half of her life avoiding doctors, and I keep wondering every day if that's going to be the day.  I can tell myself "she's not that old," but neither were my grandfathers.  I have so many worries in my life right now regarding my own health ... but since a coworker's dad suffered a stroke recently, every time my mom tells me about how she had some kind of issue and went to the ER, I wonder how long it's going to be.  I have very few relatives as it is.  Basically it's down to my parents and a sibling, and then a bunch of those "Christmas Card" relatives whom I don't even know and only met at my grandfather's funeral when I was 4.

It's horrible to think that I may reach a point where just I have no family left.

I'm on a roll with mustard and tomato.

If I won the lottery ...

Let's say it was a $50 million jackpot and I could get $28mil as a lump sum.  Or whatever.

First I would pay my parents back for the school stuff they paid for the last few years.

Then I would pay off my student loan debt (since the Koch Bros probably aren't interested).

I would set up a $10,000 savings account or trust (or something) for the three little girls I live with so that they can go to college (I'm sure by the time any of them are eighteen $10,000 would be equivalent to half a semester at a state school.)

I would donate $2000 to the hospital here for giving me a nearly free CT scan.

I would donate $2000 to the Waikiki Health Center even though they're pill pushers.

I would donate $0 to my university (you guys got enough of my cash already).

I would take a year off from working to finish my book (hopefully).

I'd finally get a flippin' cat and give it all the best toys (cardboard boxes for days, I tell you).

I would take a trip somewhere interesting.

And then I would just relax.  I would probably get a Honda Fit or something, buy a small house or 3-bedroom apartment, and relax.



Now that I'm finally back in a state with a lottery, maybe that's something I should be looking into.

Amy's Gluten Free Pot Pie

I should do a real review of this somewhere.  With pictures.

I finally ate this today.  It's the first real pot pie I've had in ages.  I tried the one with the cornbread crust, but that was unsatisfying even though it had meat in it.  Amy's was way closer to the Swanson pot pies that are near and dear to my heart, even if they use tofu.

I didn't have time for the oven and worried that the microwave would ruin the crust, but it was firm and fairly flaky.  The innards were thick and hearty (whatever that word means) with a nice rosemary flavor.  The tofu didn't stand out as being overly "OH MY GOD WHY IS THERE TOFU IN MY POT PIE" at all.  Considering a lot of pot pies skimp on meat ... meh.  I barely noticed it was meatless.

I mean, I'd still prefer meat.

Crust flavor is super important to me, and this was pretty excellent.  I was most worried about the crust since that's always been my favorite part whether it was Swanson or KFC.  If I tried a pot pie and hated it, it was usually because the crust was terrible more than anything else.  Except putting celery in it.  Because ew.  Celery should never be in anything.  

If I had to rank pot pies I would still put Amy 3rd after KFC and Swanson (I might make it equal to Swanson, but Swanson wins because MEAT).  But since I can't eat those other two anymore, it's moot.  Yay, Amy's!  Now if someone would like to develop a GF KFC pot pie copycat AND deliver it to my house ... I would be very grateful.

(Disclaimer: Being 3rd means it's better than Marie Callendar's, Boston Market, or that weird cornbread one.  And any other brand I've eaten, although I've always been pretty loyal to Swanson for frozen and KFC for out.  I may have eaten some other brand, like Banquet or something.  I don't remember and there was a reason I never ate it again.)  

In the spirit of my last post ...

Instead of writing letters to Santa, who doesn't exist (ohshitishouldn'tsaythat), perhaps we should write letters to insanely rich people.

*ahem*


Dear Koch Brothers,

For Christmas this year I don't want a pony.  Or a puppy.
Instead I would like you to pay my $30,000 in student loan debt.
I'm sure you'd get a tax write off for that.  (I know people Like You eat that shit up.)
And a new dolly.  I'd like a new dolly.
I've been a good girl this year.
In light of that, please help out your fellow Kansan.

-Me

(P.S.  Milk and cookies will be provided for an additional $3500.  Which is still pocket change to you, I'm sure.)

We Need More, Better Undercover Bosses

I think I like this show.

I think.

I'll just be happy

when most of my referrals come from actual websites.

The only time I'm going to talk about the asexuality thing:

I hate the term "ace."  I didn't know that was a thing until I met a girl in Hawaii who assumed I was asexual because I didn't want kids, and she would tell me all about her time on Aven dealing with other people who were "ace."  I had been to Aven before many years ago, but I guess "ace" wasn't a thing.

It sounds stupid.  Just my opinion.  Remember those ads from the 90s (and maybe they still make 'em) where some adults would try to be cool but fail totally and terribly?  Yeah, that's what I think of.  People trying to be cool or sound cool just by calling themselves "cool."

The asexual community annoys me kind of like the way the atheist community annoys me.  Sex and god are two things I barely dedicate any time to during the course of my year unless someone else brings them up and makes me think about such things or defend myself or whatever.  On an average day I'm not thinking about sex or god OR my lack of interest in either.  How often do you think about cockatiels and meatball subs?  It's kind of the same thing.  These things are not a part of my life.  If they were, I would spend more time thinking about them.

My job is making me crazy.

I am a creative person.  I like thinking.  Thinking is awesome.

When I was working at the Bananaland there wasn't always down time, but sometimes you could zone out and fold things, or zone out and size things (or zone out and zone out).  If there were no customers you could use your brain as you pleased.

When I was doing ESL, I had to think on my feet a lot of the time.  Some students would say weird stuff and some were a struggle to deal with, so imagination was key.  Especially with the kids.  And even when we did busywork I could zone out and just think.

It was kind of nice.

My current job hasn't really started yet.  It requires a long training period, and then we got interrupted to train for something else before finishing our other thing.  We still have a couple of weeks left.  And already I'm thinking I just don't want to continue.  The work isn't that difficult, which is fine, but it's also nearly nine hours of sitting in a chair and performing the kind of mindless tasks that both require very little thought but also give you no leeway to change the channel on your brain.  

Imagine if your job were something like reading the phone book to people over the phone.

No room for creativity, and you have to focus on what you're doing or else you'll mess up.  And the content isn't even something you can picture in your head.  It's the phone book.

(Note: this is not my actual job.)

The pay is pretty good, but I keep having to ask myself if the pay is worth it to have no life, no time for hobbies, and to be frustrated and bored at work.  I'm thinking that the answer is "no."  But first I need to secure another job that will pay the bills.  And that's the hard part.

Doll vs. Baby

Dollmore makes a couple of dolls I would call "kid-size," in that they're a little more proportionate compared to dolls of similar height.  A Soom Mecha Angel is about 30 inches tall but you'd be hard pressed to find a toddler with such skinny legs.  Meanwhile the Lusion and Trinity dolls have a bit more heft to go along with their height.

I'm pretty keen on big dolls.  They're heavy and expensive, but there's something just so satisfying about a big doll.  I don't know how to express it.  Maybe it's that they feel expensive, while a ten inch doll feels cheap even if it was $400.  And they're easier to paint or sew for, which is handy since Dollmore charges $100 for a faceup and offers very few outfits for those sizes.  You also might be able to find kids clothes or shoes that fit them, although I think the proportions might make it kind of difficult.

The Inside Banana Scoop

I have a Banana Republic Card.  I used to work at Banana Republic.

It's a good deal if you don't rack up a lot of debt.  I try not to have more than $150 or so on it at any time because the interest rate is WHOOOOAAAAAAA high.  I don't mind paying a few bucks in interest but basically I like to keep it at $0 most of the time.

The benefits of the Banana card are pretty good.  I signed up because we were having some crazy sales + an additional 25% off for new cardholders and I wanted to buy a $200 blazer for cheaper than it would be with my employee discount.  I bought a handful of items and got a really good deal, practically 60% off--definitely better than our discount.

Oh, and it was double/triple points, which means if you have the normal Banana card you get $10 back as a coupon when you spend $100.  If you have the Luxe card you spend $67 and get the $10 back.  Normally it's $10 for every $200 you spend at all Gap brands.

So it's a nice deal especially when there are special promos (extra 10% off for cardholders, double points, etc.).

I suffer from bitchy resting face.

If you also suffer from bitchy resting face, please know that there is hope.

Because people shouldn't expect you to fucking smile all the time.  And if they do, punch them in the face.  I guarantee that their "oh shit I got punched in the face" face will draw more attention than your bitchy resting face.

I also suffer from "about to cry all the time" face right now.  Because of my eye.